Larsson, Liv. _Helping Hand: Mediation with Nonviolent Communication_. Place of publication not identified: Lulu.com, 2013. [http://www.vlebooks.com/vleweb/product/openreader?id=none&isbn=9781447544111](http://www.vlebooks.com/vleweb/product/openreader?id=none&isbn=9781447544111). --- # Key Points What to do when we've made a mistake: - Listen with empathy until the person feels completely understood. - Take in what the other person has said and express how it affects us to hear it. Tell them if we are mourning the choices that we made, and that we understand what consequences our actions had for the other person. - If the other person wants to know, tell them why we acted as we did; what needs we were trying to meet by acting so. --- A mediator protects both parties from hearing: - criticism - threats - demands --- Focus conflict resolution and mediation first on: - Connection, by drawing attention to feelings and needs. - Willingness to contribute, which awakens in people when they are connected with each other's needs and humanity. Then focus on: - Understanding the cause of the problem. - The solution to the problem. > The most important thing for parties in conflict to express and be heard in, is what is going on inside them. People who are upset have a deeper longing for someone to understand their feelings and needs than for someone to understand exactly what has happened. --- Two fundamental principles of NVC: - It is easier to create connection between people if we assume that everything people do, they do with the intention of trying to meet their needs. - It is easier to create cooperation and connection with other people if we assume that they want to contribute to others when they feel that it is voluntary. --- ## Listening > Helping parties better understand each other’s reality is another great task for you as a mediator. Particularly in the beginning, effort is required from you in order for this to happen. You are focusing on everyone’s needs being expressed and heard, by, for instance, asking both parties to rephrase what they have heard the other party needs. This shows that you are focusing on trying to meet everyone’s needs and on what you think will contribute towards the solution to the conflict. At a planned, or formal mediation, you can explain this approach in advance. > To help the parties hear each other, use every opportunity to repeat words that draw attention to needs. In this way, you help them see what both sides need so that they will be able to deal with the conflict in an effective way. > > When person A has confirmed that she feels understood by you as mediator, ask person B to reflect back what he has heard person A say. To hear person B reflect back what he has understood that person A needs, helps to build trust and understanding between them. You may ask person B something like: > > “Do you want to tell A what you hear is important to her?” > “Do you want to tell A what she needs?” > “Do you want to reflect back what needs you hear that A is longing to have met in your relationship?” > In a conflict, this is a big challenge for person B. Since we easily hear what people whom we are in conflict with say as criticism, demands or evaluations, a normal response might be: > > “But I’ve already done all that.” > “She / he is always so demanding.” > > Avoid saying “no, that is not what she said”, or “you got it wrong” or something that the other person can experience as a correction. In this situation, you can instead clarify what has been said by saying something like: > > "OK. I heard it slightly differently. I heard A say that what is really important for her is ... It’s not about agreeing or disagreeing, it’s just about reflecting back what you have heard that she longs for. Would you give it a try?” > > To fully hear the other person is difficult when you are in the middle of a conflict. So even if the reflecting back seems superficial, it is an important step in creating understanding for the other party. If either party has great resistance towards even reflecting back some of what they heard the other saying, it may help them to hear something like: > > “I guess it still hurts you to think about what has happened. Nevertheless, I encourage you to try to take in the other’s experience and what is important for him. Are you willing to try to reflect back what you have heard that he longs for?" ## Observations > Keep in mind that opinions or interpretations expressed by the mediator are also difficult to handle for the parties. It creates more security if you as a mediator can really stick to your observations, feelings, needs and requests. ## Needs **Needs are our closest common denominator** > Needs, as I use the term, can be thought of as resources life requires to sustain itself. For example, our physical well-being depends on our needs for air, water, rest, and food being fulfilled. Our psychological and spiritual well-being is enhanced when our needs for understanding, support, honesty, and meaning are fulfilled. > - Marshall Rosenberg, We Can Work It Out > At the beginning of a mediation, especially if it is emotionally charged, it may be helpful to use just one or two words to describe the needs of the involved people. For example, it might sound like this: “You really want to be understood?” Or, "Safety is what is most important to you?" > Once the parties have come a bit closer to one another, it is easier for them to hear longer sentences; you can reflect what you hear using more words. Be aware that if you use many words to describe a need, it may sound as if you’re referring to a strategy to meet the need, instead of the actual need itself. If the words you say don’t help the parties hear each other’s needs, it may, rather than deepening the connection, contribute to freezing it at a certain level. --- ## Feelings If we take responsibility for our feelings by linking them to our own needs, we reduce the risk of having our emotional expressions be perceived as criticism. --- ## Requests > One common source of conflict is when one person asks the other person to stop doing something, or not to do certain things. When you as a mediator hear the requests being expressed in a “no-form”, you can help to reformulate these statements into what the person really wants. > To ensure that our wishes both are clear and do not sound like demands, we can find support in asking ourselves these two questions: “What do I want someone to do differently” and “What do I want their reasons to be when they do it?” > “Whenever our objective is to get somebody to stop doing something, we lose power. If we really want to have power in creating change - whether it is personal change, changing another individual or changing society - we need to come from a consciousness of how the world can be better. We want people to see how their needs can be met at less cost.” > - Marshall Rosenberg, Speak Peace in a World of Conflict ## Interruption > Interrupt as soon as you think: > - What is being said is likely to worsen an already tense situation > - What is being said can create distance, rather than generate dialogue > - Something is being expressed in such a way that it harms the connection between the parties > - Someone interrupts when you are listening to the other party and you want to continue listening to him or her > - That which is being expressed is more than you think the other person can take in at that moment # Other Quotes > If someone does not want to share with others something you as a mediator imagine would support the connection and the conflict resolution, you need first to show that you are willing to try to understand how difficult it is for one or several parties to share this. You respond to their concerns with empathy. Only when they have been understood do you remind them that if they are not willing to express what is going on within them, it will be difficult to move forward. You can clarify that mediation is based on “putting all the cards on the table” in order to find solutions that will satisfy everyone’s needs (including their own). > As a mediator using NVC, I want to protect the parties from hearing criticism, threats or demands. I act out of the assumption that we are most willing to change when we see how new choices contribute to better satisfying everyone’s needs. Thus, I am trying to help the parties to hear each other’s needs so that they see the humanity in one another, instead of trying to determine who has done right or who has done wrong. > To a large extent, mediation is about hearing the feelings and needs that are expressed. It means helping the parties to translate judgments into feelings and needs. As a mediator, I interrupt when I hear language based on whether or not someone deserves something, thoughts about right and wrong, demands and labels, and translate these into feelings and needs. > The mediator listens for both parties’ needs because all of us are equal on the level of needs. I sometimes refer to needs as our closest common denominator. Through them we can recognize ourselves in each other - which can awaken natural compassion and understanding. > An attitude that helps me when mediating a conflict is to think that there are always resources to meet people’s needs, but not always in the way they first had wished for or imagined. > When we listen to other people’s needs, interests, dreams and requests, it also becomes clear that just because we understand what drives a person, it does not mean that we agree with them. The realization that we don’t need to agree with someone, though we understand their point of view, usually makes it easier for the parties to listen to each other. > There might be strong taboos about feeling, expressing and talking about feelings in some settings. As a mediator, you can contribute to ease and safety by avoiding putting the feelings into words. Rather you might want to focus more on expressing the needs you are hearing the parties express. Remember that the purpose is not to follow a certain form, but to create connection between the parties so that they can find ways to reach an agreement through that connection. > As a mediator, it is important to be clear about whether your goal is to teach people something about communication that could make a difference for them in the long run, or if you just want to facilitate connection right now by “lending your ability to listen”.