## Metadata - Author: [[Liv Larsson and Vilhelm Nilsson]] - Full Title: A Helping Hand, Mediation With Nonviolent Communication - Category: #books ## Highlights - If the parties in a conflict do not trust that everyone’s needs will be taken into account, the concept of “deserve” will often be used as a handrail. Mediation strives to create the trust that everyone’s needs will be cared for to the greatest extent possible. It is then easier to drop the idea that someone must be punished for what has happened. ([Location 218](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=218)) - NVC uses a process language based on what we do and what we need, instead of a static language based on what we think someone is. ([Location 231](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=231)) - NVC is based on the idea that we humans enjoy contributing to each other when we feel it is voluntary, and when we understand how our actions affect others. ([Location 233](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=233)) - When we have made a mistake, we can use the principles of NVC to apologize in a different way than many of us are familiar with. First, we listen with empathy until the other person feels completely understood in how our actions have done has affected him or her. Second, we try to take in what the other person is saying and express how it affects us to hear it. Then we tell them if we are mourning the choices that we made, and that we understand what consequences our actions had for the other person. Thereafter, the other person usually wants to hear why we acted as we did; in other words, what needs we were trying to meet by acting so. ([Location 570](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=570)) - If someone does not want to share with others something you as a mediator imagine would support the connection and the conflict resolution, you need first to show that you are willing to try to understand how difficult it is for one or several parties to share this. You respond to their concerns with empathy. Only when they have been understood do you remind them that if they are not willing to express what is going on within them, it will be difficult to move forward. You can clarify that mediation is based on “putting all the cards on the table” in order to find solutions that will satisfy everyone’s needs (including their own). ([Location 596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=596)) - As a mediator using NVC, I want to protect the parties from hearing criticism, threats or demands. I act out of the assumption that we are most willing to change when we see how new choices contribute to better satisfying everyone’s needs. Thus, I am trying to help the parties to hear each other’s needs so that they see the humanity in one another, instead of trying to determine who has done right or who has done wrong. ([Location 621](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=621)) - As it started to get late, she found herself thinking: “I have to go home now, because my husband is waiting for me.” Suddenly, she realized that she was about to leave in order to avoid shame. She understood as well that her husband, without having done anything, would have to “pay” if she went home only because she thought she had to. She would be annoyed because he “demanded” that she come home, even though he had not actually demanded it. Our relationships always suffer when we associate them with shame or guilt. She explored the difference between going home based on the idea that she “should” do it and going home because she really wanted to be with her husband. Her feelings of guilt reminded her that she wanted to contribute to his well-being, while at the same time wanting to choose exactly when she wanted to do it. When my friend later left for home, she did it with a hopeful openness about how she would be able to handle any possible bitter mood in her husband. If we do things out of the joy of contributing to others, rather than out of a sense of duty, we will enrich our relationships. Our need to contribute to others usually lies behind our feelings of shame and guilt. At the same time, we have other present needs wanting to be satisfied. Here, our “internal mediator” is given the task of trying to find new ways to act with the potential to satisfy all needs. ([Location 645](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=645)) - Focus conflict resolution and meditation first on: Connection, by drawing attention to feelings and needs. Willingness to contribute, which awakens in people when they are connected with each other’s needs and humanity. Then focus on: Understanding the cause of the problem. The solution to the problem. ([Location 673](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=673)) - The most important thing for parties in conflict to express and be heard in, is what is going on inside them. People who are upset have a deeper longing for someone to understand their feelings and needs than for someone to understand exactly what has happened. ([Location 679](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=679)) - Here are two principles that I use for strengthening my ability to communicate with other people with the help of NVC: It is easier to create connection between people if we assume that everything people do, they do with the intention of trying to meet their needs. It is easier to create cooperation and connection with other people if we assume that they want to contribute to others when they feel that it is voluntary. ([Location 686](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=686)) - To a large extent, mediation is about hearing the feelings and needs that are expressed. It means helping the parties to translate judgments into feelings and needs. As a mediator, I interrupt when I hear language based on whether or not someone deserves something, thoughts about right and wrong, demands and labels, and translate these into feelings and needs. ([Location 701](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=701)) - The mediator listens for both parties’ needs because all of us are equal on the level of needs. I sometimes refer to needs as our closest common denominator. Through them we can recognize ourselves in each other - which can awaken natural compassion and understanding. ([Location 748](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=748)) - Marshall Rosenberg summarizes his view on needs: Needs, as I use the term, can be thought of as resources life requires to sustain itself. For example, our physical well-being depends on our needs for air, water, rest, and food being fulfilled. Our psychological and spiritual well-being is enhanced when our needs for understanding, support, honesty, and meaning are fulfilled. ([Location 753](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=753)) - If we take responsibility for our feelings by linking them to our own needs, we reduce the risk of having our emotional expressions be perceived as criticism. ([Location 785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=785)) - One common source of conflict is when one person asks the other person to stop doing something, or not to do certain things. When you as a mediator hear the requests being expressed in a “no-form”, you can help to reformulate these statements into what the person really wants. “Whenever our objective is to get somebody to stop doing something, we lose power. If we really want to have power in creating change - whether it is personal change, changing another individual or changing society - we need to come from a consciousness of how the world can be better. We want people to see how their needs can be met at less cost.” Marshall Rosenberg16 To ensure that our wishes both are clear and do not sound like demands, we can find support in asking ourselves these two questions: “What do I want someone to do differently” and “What do I want their reasons to be when they do it?” ([Location 850](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=850)) - Keep in mind that opinions or interpretations expressed by the mediator are also difficult to handle for the parties. It creates more security if you as a mediator can really stick to your observations, feelings, needs and requests. ([Location 933](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=933)) - You can simplify your listening by thinking that you are doing a general allocation of everything someone says into two categories: “thank you” or “please help me”. We express a request for help (please help me), when our needs are not met. When our needs are met, we express joy about something we appreciate (thank you). ([Location 1078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1078)) - Two sisters are fighting over an orange. Both are arguing as to why they should have it, it is their turn, the other one always gets her way and so on. When they finally agree, they decide to compromise and split the orange in two parts, taking half each. The first sister takes her half, peels it, throws away the peel and eats the fruit. The second sister, peels it, throws away the fruit and uses the peel for a cake she is baking. ([Location 1125](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1125)) - An attitude that helps me when mediating a conflict is to think that there are always resources to meet people’s needs, but not always in the way they first had wished for or imagined. ([Location 1129](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1129)) - To hear each other’s needs, and to really take in what others want, makes a difference because it helps us to trust that others wish us well. This trust allows us, in turn, to be more open towards also hearing the other person and to seek ways to meet everyone’s needs. ([Location 1181](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1181)) - When we listen to other people’s needs, interests, dreams and requests, it also becomes clear that just because we understand what drives a person, it does not mean that we agree with them. The realization that we don’t need to agree with someone, though we understand their point of view, usually makes it easier for the parties to listen to each other. This, because it increases their confidence that it is not taken as “I am agreeing with” something. ([Location 1233](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1233)) - As each party is expressing themselves, you can rephrase what was said, but in the form of observations (rather than interpretations), feelings (rather than thoughts) and needs and requests (rather than demands). ([Location 1240](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1240)) - There might be strong taboos about feeling, expressing and talking about feelings in some settings. As a mediator, you can contribute to ease and safety by avoiding putting the feelings into words. Rather you might want to focus more on expressing the needs you are hearing the parties express. Remember that the purpose is not to follow a certain form, but to create connection between the parties so that they can find ways to reach an agreement through that connection. ([Location 1259](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1259)) - At the beginning of a mediation, especially if it is emotionally charged, it may be helpful to use just one or two words to describe the needs of the involved people. For example, it might sound like this: “You really want to be understood?” Or, “Safety is what is most important to you?” Once the parties have come a bit closer to one another, it is easier for them to hear longer sentences; you can reflect what you hear using more words. Be aware that if you use many words to describe a need, it may sound as if you’re referring to a strategy to meet the need, instead of the actual need itself. If the words you say don’t help the parties hear each other’s needs, it may, rather than deepening the connection, contribute to freezing it at a certain level. ([Location 1266](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1266)) - Helping parties better understand each other’s reality is another great task for you as a mediator. Particularly in the beginning, effort is required from you in order for this to happen. You are focusing on everyone’s needs being expressed and heard, by, for instance, asking both parties to rephrase what they have heard the other party needs. This shows that you are focusing on trying to meet everyone’s needs and on what you think will contribute towards the solution to the conflict. At a planned, or formal mediation, you can explain this approach in advance. ([Location 1285](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1285)) - To help the parties hear each other, use every opportunity to repeat words that draw attention to needs. In this way, you help them see what both sides need so that they will be able to deal with the conflict in an effective way. ([Location 1293](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1293)) - When person A has confirmed that she feels understood by you as mediator, ask person B to reflect back what he has heard person A say. To hear person B reflect back what he has understood that person A needs, helps to build trust and understanding between them. You may ask person B something like: “Do you want to tell A what you hear is important to her?” Or “Do you want to tell A what she needs?” Or “Do you want to reflect back what needs you hear that A is longing to have met in your relationship?” ([Location 1294](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1294)) - interrupt as soon as you think: - What is being said is likely to worsen an already tense situation - What is being said can create distance, rather than generate dialogue - Something is being expressed in such a way that it harms the connection between the parties - Someone interrupts when you are listening to the other party and you want to continue listening to him or her - That which is being expressed is more than you think the other person can take in at that moment ([Location 1322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1322)) - Because it seldom works to “push away” strong enemy images and selfcriticism, your ability to quickly capture these thoughts and reformulate them into feelings and needs will be very useful. ([Location 1379](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1379)) - As a mediator, it is important to be clear about whether your goal is to teach people something about communication that could make a difference for them in the long run, or if you just want to facilitate connection right now by “lending your ability to listen”. ([Location 1438](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B00AU6IUVA&location=1438))