## Metadata - Author: [[Parker J. Palmer]] - Full Title: A Hidden Wholeness - Category: #books ## Highlights - I value ethical standards, of course. But in a culture like ours-which devalues or dismisses the reality and power of the inner life-ethics too often becomes an external code of conduct, an objective set of rules we are told to follow, a moral exoskeleton we put on hoping to prop ourselves up. The problem with exoskeletons is simple: we can slip them off as easily as we can don them. ([Location 135](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=135)) - I also value integrity. But that word means much more than adherence to a moral code: it means "the state or quality of being entire, complete, and unbroken," as in integer or integral. Deeper still, integrity refers to something-such as a jack pine or the human self-in its "unimpaired, unadulterated, or genuine state, corresponding to its original condition."6 ([Location 137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=137)) - Over the years, my own need for community has led me to collaborate with others in creating settings where there is mutual encouragement for "rejoining soul and role." ([Location 157](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=157)) - As we cross the rising terrain between infancy and adolescence-still close enough to our origins to be in touch with inner truth but aware of the mounting pressure to play someone else "out there"-the true self starts to feel threatened. We deal with the threat by developing a child's version of the divided life, commuting daily between the public world of role and the hidden world of soul. ([Location 184](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=184)) - Being cautious about the degree of congruence between outer appearance and inner reality is one of our species' most ancient ways of seeking safety in a perilous world. ([Location 203](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=203)) - If our roles were more deeply informed by the truth that is in our souls, the general level of sanity and safety would rise dramatically. ([Location 211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=211)) - The divided life is a wounded life, and the soul keeps calling us to heal the wound. Ignore that call, and we find ourselves trying to numb our pain with an anesthetic of choice, be it substance abuse, overwork, consumerism, or mindless media noise. Such anesthetics are easy to come by in a society that wants to keep us divided and unaware of our pain-for the divided life that is pathological for individuals can serve social systems well, especially when it comes to those functions that are morally dubious. ([Location 240](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=240)) - Of course, solitude is essential to personal integration: there are places in the landscapes of our lives where no one can accompany us. But because we are communal creatures who need each other's support-and because, left to our own devices, we have an endless capacity for self-absorption and self-deception-community is equally essential to rejoining soul and role. ([Location 261](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=261)) - We can put the chairs in a circle, but as long as they are occupied by people who have aninner hierarchy, the circle itself will have a divided life, one more form of "living within the lie": a false community. ([Location 293](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=293)) - In these quiet Quaker circles, people were doing neither the amateur psychotherapy nor the faux politics that I had experienced in Berkeley. Instead, they were doing therapy and politics rightly understood: reaching in toward their own wholeness, reaching out toward the world's needs, and trying to live their lives at the intersection of the two. ([Location 297](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=297)) - Tags: [[favorite]] - we are born with a seed of selfhood that contains the spiritual DNA of our uniqueness-an encoded birthright knowledge of who we are, why we are here, and how we are related to others. ([Location 354](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=354)) - Philosophers haggle about what to call this core of our humanity, but I am no stickler for precision. Thomas Merton called it true self Buddhists call it original nature or big self Quakers call it the inner teacher or the inner light. Hasidic Jews call it a spark of the divine. Humanists call it identity and integrity. In popular parlance, people often call it soul. And thus far in this book, I have called it by most of these names!What we name it matters little to me, since the origins, nature, and destiny of call-it-what-you-will are forever hidden from us, and no one can credibly claim to know its true name. But that we name it matters a great deal. For "it" is the objective, ontological reality of selfhood that keeps us from reducing ourselves, or each other, to biological mechanisms, psychological projections, sociological constructs, or raw material to be manufactured into whatever society needs-diminishments of our humanity that constantly threaten the quality of our lives. ([Location 358](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=358)) - But just as we can name the functions of the wind, so we can name some of the functions of the soul without presuming to penetrate its mystery:• The soul wants to keep us rooted in the ground of our own being, resisting the tendency of other faculties, like the intellect and ego, to uproot us from who we are.• The soul wants to keep us connected to the community in which we find life, for it understands that relationships are necessary if we are to thrive.• The soul wants to tell us the truth about ourselves, our world, and the relation between the two, whether that truth is easy or hard to hear.• The soul wants to give us life and wants us to pass that gift along, to become life-givers in a world that deals too much death. ([Location 364](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=364)) - Most of us can make a long list of the external enemies of the soul, in the absence of which we are sure we would be better people! Because we so quickly blame our problems on forces "out there," we need to see how often we conspire in our own deformation: for every external power bent on twisting us out of shape, there is a potential collaborator within us. ([Location 371](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=371)) - "This is the first, wildest, and wisest thing I know," says Mary Oliver, "that the soul exists, and that it is built entirely out of attentiveness."3 ([Location 377](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=377)) - The notion that depression may result from defying one's truth has received indirect support from science. Randolph Nesse, director of the Evolution and Human Adaptation Program at the University of Michigan, suggests that depression "may have developed ... as [an evolutionary] response to situations in which a desired goal is unattainable," situations in which "one of life's paths peters out into the woods." Depression, Nesse argues, so thoroughly drains us of will and energy that we are unable to continue on a path that once seemed desirable but is-for us, at least-impassable. We must find another way, a way more suited to our nature, thus contributing to individual survival and the evolutionary success of the species.' ([Location 396](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=396)) - Deep caring about each other's fate does seem to be on the decline, but I do not believe that New Age narcissism is much to blame. The external causes of our moral indifference are afragmented mass society that leaves us isolated and afraid, an economic system that puts the rights of capital before the rights of people, and a political process that makes citizens into ciphers. ([Location 413](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=413)) - A strong community helps people develop a sense of true self, for only in community can the self exercise and fulfill its nature: giving and taking, listening and speaking, being and doing. But when community unravels and we lose touch with one another, the self atrophies and we lose touch with ourselves as well. Lacking opportunities to be ourselves in a web of relationships, our sense of self disappears, leading to behaviors that further fragment our relationships and spread the epidemic of inner emptiness. ([Location 425](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=425)) - Our disasters come from letting nothing live for itself, from the longing we have to pull everything, even friends, into ourselves, and let nothing alone.-ROBERT BLY' ([Location 541](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=541)) - Like most of us, Linda knew how to use rejection to reinforce her view of the world. ([Location 556](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=556)) - If we are to hold solitude and community together as a true paradox, we need to deepen our understanding of both poles. Solitude does not necessarily mean living apart from others; rather, it means never living apart from one's self. It is not about the absence of other people-it is about being fully present to ourselves, whether or not we are with others. Community does not necessarily mean living face-to-face with others; rather, it means never losing the awareness that we are connected to each other. It is not about the presence of other people-it is about being fully open to the reality of relationship, whether or not we are alone. ([Location 582](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=582)) - In a circle of trust, the powers of deformation are held at bay long enough for the soul to emerge and speak its truth. Here we are not required to conform ourselves to some external template. Instead, we are invited to conform our lives to the shape of our own souls. In a circle of trust, we can grow our selfhood like a plant-from the potential within the seed of the soul, in ground made fertile by the quality of our relationships, toward the light of our own wholeness-trusting the soul to know its own shape better than any external authority possibly can. ([Location 610](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=610)) - Unfortunately, community in our culture too often means a group of people who go crashing through the woods together, scaring the soul away. In spaces ranging from congregations to classrooms, we preach and teach, assert and argue, claim and proclaim, admonish and advise, and generally behave in ways that drive everything original and wild into hiding. Under these conditions, the intellect, emotions, will, and ego may emerge, but not the soul: we scare off all the soulful things, like respectful relationships, goodwill, and hope. ([Location 623](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=623)) - The people who help us grow toward true self offer unconditional love, neither judging us to be deficient nor trying to force us to change but accepting us exactly as we are. And yet this unconditional love does not lead us to rest on our laurels. Instead, it surrounds us with a charged force field that makes us want to grow from the inside out -a force field that is safe enough to take the risks and endure the failures that growth requires. ([Location 636](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=636)) - When we sit with a dying person, we gain two critical insights into what it means to "be alone together." First, we realize that we must abandon the arrogance that often distorts our relationships-the arrogance of believing that we have the answer to the other person's problem. When we sit with a dying person, we understand that what is before us is not a "problem to be solved" but a mystery to be honored. As we find a way to stand respectfully on the edge of that mystery, we start to see that all of our relationships would be deepened if we could play the fixer role less frequently.Second, when we sit with a dying person, we realize that we must overcome the fear that often distorts our relationships-the fear that causes us to turn away when the other reveals something too vexing, painful, or ugly to bear. Death may be all of this and more. And yet we hold the dying person in our gaze, our hearts, our prayers, knowing that it would be disrespectful to avert our eyes, that the only gift we have to offer in this moment is our undivided attention. ([Location 644](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=644)) - I do not know, yet, what a dying person experiences. But this I do know: I would sooner die in the company of someone practicing simple presence than I would die alone. And I know this as well: we are all dying, all the time. So why wait for the last few hours before offering each other our presence? It is a gift we can give and receive right now, in a circle of trust. ([Location 659](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=659)) - Instead of fixing up, or letting down, people who have a problem, we stand with simple attentiveness at the borders of their solitude-trusting that they have within themselves whatever resources they need and that our attentiveness can help bring those resources into play. ([Location 683](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=683)) - A circle of trust consists of relationships that are neither invasive nor evasive. ([Location 684](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=684)) - You cannot gather people and say, in effect, "In this circle, we invite your soul to speak so we can resolve our racial tensions." The moment you do so, an impossible distortion sets in: I am in the circle because I have a "white soul," he is here because he has an "African American soul," and she is here because she has a "Hispanic soul." But the soul has no race or ethnicity: it is the core of our shared humanity as well as our individual uniqueness. The moment we try to trap it in sociological categories, hoping to get leverage on some problem, it will run away as fast as it can because we have distorted its nature. ([Location 698](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=698)) - So I do not structure self-introductions by saying, "I'll introduce myself first; then let's go around the circle to my right." Doing so would create a forced march that deprives people of their freedom. Instead, I say, "Let's begin with some silence. When someone is ready to introduce himself or herself, that person is invited to do so, followed by whoever wants to go next, until the last person who wants to speak has done so." ([Location 831](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=831)) - The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure; the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair; the deeper ourlove, the more pain its loss will bring: these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings. If we refuse to hold them in hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain, we also find ourselves living without faith, hope, and love. ([Location 869](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=869)) - The idealists among us tend to ask the "whose" question prematurely: we want to serve the world's needs, but we burn out trying to do more than we are able. I cannot give what I do not possess, so I need to know what gifts have grown up within me that are now ready to be harvested and shared. If the gifts I give are mine, grown from the seed of true self, I can give them without burning out. Like the fruit of a tree, they will replenish themselves in due season. ([Location 875](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=875)) - "No fixing, no saving, no advising, no setting each other straight." ([Location 1158](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1158)) - So what do we do in a circle of trust? We do what the people in Janet's circle did: we speak our own truth; we listen receptively to the truth of others; we ask each other honest, open questions instead of giving counsel; and we offer each other the healing and empowering gifts of silence and laughter. ([Location 1180](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1180)) - In the face of our deepest questions-the kind we are invited to explore in circles of trust-our habit of advising each other reveals its shadow side. If the shadow could speak its logic, I think it would say something like this: "If you take my advice, you will surely solve your problem. If you take my advice but fail to solve your problem, you did not try hard enough. If you fail to take my advice, I did the best I could. So I am covered. No matter how things come out, I no longer need to worry about you or your vexing problem." ([Location 1191](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1191)) - The shadow behind the "fixes" we offer for issues that we cannot fix is, ironically, the desire to hold each other at bay. It is a strategy for abandoning each other while appearing to be concerned. ([Location 1194](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1194)) - When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. If your problem is soul-deep, your soul alone knows what you need to do about it, and my presumptuous advice will only drive your soul back into the woods. So the best service I can render when you speak to me about such a struggle is to hold you faithfully in a space where you can listen to your inner teacher. ([Location 1198](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1198)) - Though it is hard to know when we are speaking from our own center, it is not so hard to know when we are speaking to the center of the circle: expressive speaking is less stressful than its instrumental counterpart. When we speak directly to others in order to achieve a goal, we feel the anxiety that comes from trying to exercise influence. But when we speak to the center of the circle-free of the need to achieve a result we feel energized and at peace. Now we speak with no other motive than to tell the truth, and the self-affirming feelings that accompany such speech reinforce the practice. ([Location 1219](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1219)) - When our discourse is aimed at influencing other people, we dare not listen too carefully to our own words-let alone be self-critical about them-lest we start to doubt their validity, become embarrassed by their implications, or otherwise lose the leverage we seek. But as we are liberated from adversarial speaking and listening, we are much more likely to hear and reflect on things we ourselves have said. Now we have the disarming experience of being taught by our own inner teacher! ([Location 1237](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1237)) - My working definition of truth is simple, though practicing it is anything but: "Truth is an eternal conversation about things that matter, conducted with passion and discipline."' ([Location 1304](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1304)) - According to conventional wisdom, we arrive at shared truth only by confronting and correcting each other in debate. But my experience suggests that we rarely change our minds and move toward mutual understanding in the heat of argument. Instead, we become separated from each other, and from the inner teacher, by our fear of losing the battle-and the energy we expend trying tomake sure that we win leaves us with no resources for reflection and transformation. ([Location 1312](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1312)) - Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.... Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.-RAINER MARIA RILKE' ([Location 1326](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1326)) - When I ask you an honest question-for example, "Have you ever had an experience that felt like your current dilemma?" or "Did you learn anything from that prior experience that feels useful to you now?"-there is no way for me to imagine what the "right answer" might be. Your soul feels welcome to speak its truth in response to questions like these because they harbor no hidden agendas. ([Location 1357](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0029U1RGA&location=1357))